Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
