I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
