I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
