everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
