My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
