and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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