Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
