your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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