What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
