There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
