i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
