Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
