i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize