Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize