so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
