He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
