i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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