omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
