so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
