Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
