walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my being single is dangerous.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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