There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
