shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We are two peas in an std pod
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
