is your mom at the bar?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
