Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
