Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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