last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
