you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
