I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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