There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
