So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
