I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
