How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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