when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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