well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
