i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
