She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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