I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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