She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
