Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
MIDGETS
????
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
