I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
