On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Send help, water and tortillas.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
