I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
