her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
