all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
