My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
