How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
