He asked to "fluff my boner.."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
