I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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