I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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