I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
