Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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