rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
