My hand turned me down
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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