I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
