is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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