Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
