Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
