Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize